(not a) High School AU!


1. When Diefenbaker woke up, he knew what was wrong immediately. He was smaller, for one thing, and everything smelled different. He smelled different. But most importantly, he had teats.

Fraser didn't know what was going on at first, Diefenbaker could tell. For the first few days Fraser kept looking at him funny, sniffing the air, well aware that something was wrong but not quite sure what it was. Diefenbaker chose not to tell him. At first he was too affronted over the loss of his own dignity (and for dignity, read, "balls") to carry on a civil conversation with Fraser. And after that, well, if Fraser couldn't recognize a fine bitch in her prime, then Diefenbaker certainly wasn't going to tell him. Honestly, sometimes consorting with humans was more trouble than it was worth.

Anyways, life was much simpler now in terms of Fraser/Diefenbaker politics. A pack could only have one alpha wolf, and Fraser and Diefenbaker had been fighting over that spot for years. But a pack could absolutely have both an alpha wolf and an alpha bitch. Suddenly they were disagreeing a lot less often, and that confused Fraser, almost as much as the odd smells and the differently shaped body. But Diefenbaker didn't have to keep asserting his dominance anymore; it's not like Fraser was going to challenge his spot for alpha bitch. Not unless he woke up female, one day, too, and that was an utterly ludicrous thought.

So everything was going really well until the day Diefenbaker went into estrus.

2. Turtle woke up gay. This is what came of listening to Ray read And Tango Makes Three to Frannie's kids. From perfectly normal turtle to incredibly gay turtle in the blink of an eye.

It was super frustrating. One day, it was all walk around the tank, eat a little bit of lettuce, nap inside his shell, eat a little more lettuce, bask in the heat lamp. Then the next day, it was all walk around the tank, eat a little bit of lettuce, nap inside his shell, eat a little more lettuce, bask in the heat lamp -- but do it gay. The last thing Turtle needed was to be attracted to other male turtles. It was bad enough being a heterosexual turtle in an aquarium: never getting laid, never even seeing a sweet piece of female turtle shell. But now that he was gay, he was just as sexually repressed as before, but perverted to boot.

What Turtle really needed to do was assert his masculinity. Unfortunately, he had absolutely no idea how a turtle asserted his masculinity. After all, he lived in a freaking tank. The only way he could assert his masculinity was by being straight. And if he couldn't be straight, couldn't he at least get some play? No. He could not, because he lived in a tank, without a girl turtle or a guy turtle anywhere in the vicinity.

So all in all, being gay really, really sucked.

3. The horse from the Musical Ride and the bear got trapped together in a Canadian shack. Really, the less said about this one the better.

4. Damn straight it was going to take being kidnapped by aliens to make Ante give Maggie the time of day. Poodles did not associate with huskies. Nor vice versa, Maggie insisted, later. The fact is, though, that Maggie was so warm, so soft, and so very very nurturing -- everything Ante wasn't. Ante was more of a thinker, a conniving bitch who made her own way in the world.

So, okay, it took the alien sex pollen to make them actually do the deed. But long after all that outer space whizmaroo had worn off, long after both litters of mixed-breed puppies (and how the hell did that happen?) had weaned and gone, Ante and Maggie were still closer than any self-respecting poodle or husky could have anticipated. They snuck out at night and foraged in dumpsters. They begged beef from the classy butchers and stole wrappers from the dumpster behind McDonald's. They teased Dief (who was male again, by now) and his litter (he really, really didn't want to talk about it). They slept curled up in a puppy pile and chased frisbees together in the park.

Ante would never have thought she wanted to invite someone into her life who wasn't slick and polished and hard-edged. She'd have said, before the aliens, that she had no room for frisbees and Big Mac wrappers. And she'd have been so, so wrong. Sometimes, curled up at night with Maggie, Ante thought that if the aliens ever came back, she'd do something really nice for them. But then Maggie would snuffle and lick her ear, or would run a little in her sleep as she chased down a dream squirrel, and Ante would stop thinking about aliens, and would close her eyes and go back to sleep. It was a good life.