The Doors of his Hotness, the Lamps of his Cuteness


"You are immortal." She stretched her endless legs out in front of her.

I smiled, enigmatic. "Of course."

"No, I mean it."

I laid her hand on her arm, settled her. "You know me so well."

After a time, she pulled her lips from mine. "Will you come with me to the prom?"

I considered it. The light from the bloated sun glinted off her red curls to blind me. The mythic forces which guide our steps in this time and place had obscured my third eye and pointed tail, but I could still see through the veiled lenses. Pigeons walked in delicate rosetta stone traceries across the sidewalk outside. We omnipotent immortals have always been family men, if you count patricide and fratricide.

"Get me a Coke?" she asked.

Sudden despair.

"You do drink Coke, right?"

Even more sudden, more despairy.

She placed one red fingertip against my lips, and I fell back into her arms and into waiting madness.



TOP TEN REASONS I WANT TO MARRY RENFREW KALISARIOS:

10. He is incredibly cute.

9. Whenever we go out, like to Starbucks or something, he morphs time and space until we're shifting through this weird trippy alien experience. Except there's no drugs, so it's totally legal and I will never get a flashback. Unlike Robert Hayden, who dropped too much acid last year at Marlee Matson's pool party and now he gets freaked out watching Saturday morning cartoons.

8. He is not in high school. Okay? He is not a zitty jock obsessed with beer, or a goth weirdo who thinks reciting passages from The Vampire Lestat is a turn-on, or some emo guy who's trying to grow a soul patch and thinks it makes him God's gift to women.

7. When he stabs the demons who come after us (ALL THE TIME, I might add, and what is hotter than the guy that all the villains in the demon dimensions totally want to KILL?) , he always is afterwards "Did I get any slime on you?" and "I'm sorry that fire-breathing dogthing came after you."

6. So one reason I love dating him is that when I met this witch who was his wife or something a few hundred years ago he totally blew her off, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she had us chained up in a dungeon and we were getting whipped with barbed wire at the time. Or, okay, it has something to do with that, but it's also because he thinks she's a total skank.

5. Totally. Ripped. Abs.

4. It turns out that when you go out to dinner with a theoretical mythical god-like construct, the waiters seat you at the best table and are all "may I pull out your chair for you, miss?" and "can I bring you some more of the chef's special, miss?"

As if that is not cool enough, they bring you chocolate pudding for dessert even though all the desserts they have on the menu are things like snail porridge and bacon-and-egg ice cream.

Also, he is an environmentalist, and doesn't like factory farmed foods! He says he can trust locally farmed meat not to have been poisoned like it was that time the winged lizards of Morok's Volcano drugged us and tried to seduce him. And he's right!

3. It is the BEST THING EVER when the guy you are dating totally snubs Miranda Wallace because it turns out she's descended from some extra-planar being he got horizontal with during this war three dimensions over because she was disguised as some virginal young thing -- actually that part's not awesome at all because even though it was YEARS ago I don't like to think of him with anyone other than me -- but the point is Miranda Wallaca had no idea that he was her great-great-grandfather once removed, practically, and all she knew was that he looked at her like she was a complete WORM when she macked on him.

Also it helps that she stole Jared Sato from me in third grade, and he was really cute and funny. And now I know she is an incestuous cow.

2. He gets along with my parents, although I think that's becase he is always very polite to people who aren't trying to stab him.

1. But the number-one reason I want to marry Renfrew Kalisarios:

Did I mention that he's incredibly cute? I mean, third eye! Forked tail!